When — in the name of heaven, I demand to know when — are those responsible for enforcing the Endangered Species Act going to do something about remediating the habitat devastation and starting to recover the minuscule remaining population, before it has dwindled past the point of no return, of that brave and noble beast, the poodle?<\/p>\n
What? Are you serious, Vin? There are, like, 68 million domestic pet dogs in this country, and the poodle is the seventh most numerous breed. So there have to be literally millions of poodles out there. As a matter of fact, purebred poodles are among the 4 to 6 million dogs euthanized in America each year because homes can\u2019t be found for them. America\u2019s dog and cat problem is not species extinction; it\u2019s overpopulation.<\/p>\n
Well, to anyone tempted to respond in that manner, let me clarify for you what the Endangered Species Act is really all about. You see, the number of poodles living in domestic captivity DOESN\u2019T COUNT. Once we have succeeded in getting the noble poodle listed as threatened or endangered — as it most certainly is, in the traditional range of its wild habitat — all that will matter is the number of wild, untouched acres set aside. Once you\u2019ve developed a house and a yard and put two happy poodles in it, for purposes of the federal ESA, you might as well have just shot the pups, because you have DESTROYED WILD POODLE HABITAT, and we are going to count your poodles as dead.<\/p>\n
In fact, we may have to take steps to stop you from allowing them to breed, up to and including \u201ceuthanizing\u201d your captive slave dogs, since \u201cUnlimited breeding of an endangered species in captivity is something the community has to look into.\u201d<\/p>\n
You think I\u2019m making this up? Here in Las Vegas, Clark County\u2019s Desert Conservation Program — a staffed-up and well-paid division of the county Department of Air Quality and Environmental Management, better known around here as \u201cThe Dusthole Gals\u201d — is currently going hat in hand to the appropriate chain of federal agencies, asking \u201cpermission\u201d to amend the so-called Desert Tortoise Habitat Plan, with the purpose of \u201callowing\u201d the county to develop an additional 215,000 acres of adjoining stinking desert in the decades to come.<\/p>\n
The theory, you see, is that any human activity which \u201cmoves dirt\u201d destroys tortoise habitat, and cannot be allowed unless developers obtain federal permits for the \u201cincidental take\u201d of tortoises (regardless of whether a single tortoise is seen or killed), including a fee or fine of $550 per acre, which is used to build \u201ctortoise fences\u201d to keep the turtles from crossing the road to get to water, and so forth.<\/p>\n
Wow. Under that theory, there must be practically no tortoises left in the Las Vegas Valley, which has now been heavily developed for decades. Right?<\/p>\n
Actually, officials have rounded up more than 10,000 of the little buggers, right here in the Vegas Valley, turning them over to the Fish & Wildlife\u2019s Desert Tortoise Conservation Center, where they and their progeny are farmed out as pets, or for experiments, or what have you. Those that aren\u2019t euthanized for having runny noses, you understand. Marci Henson of the county\u2019s Desert Conservation Program estimates about 2 percent of the poor little \u201cthreatened\u201d reptiles get \u201ceuthanized.\u201d<\/p>\n
(\u201cRun, little tortoises, run!\u201d as former County Commissioner Don Schlesinger once put it.)<\/p>\n
Has anyone ever gotten their $550 fee back, I asked Marci and company when they stopped by our offices Wednesday to explain the new lawsuit bait they\u2019re dangling in front of the Nature Conservancy.<\/p>\n
Oh yes, given the economic downturn, a lot of developers are getting refunds now, if they come in and show their project is canceled and they \u201chaven\u2019t moved any dirt,\u201d Ms. Henson and her associate, John Tennert, explained.<\/p>\n
No, I mean has anyone ever gotten back their $550-per-acre \u201ctortoise remediation\u201d fee because they can show there are now more tortoises on their land than before they developed it?<\/p>\n
That drew a blank look from Marci and her cohorts. \u201cOh, no,\u201d she said, evidently horrified at the thought.<\/p>\n
Sometimes, on a Saturday morning, I drive around this town, visiting garage sales. I\u2019ve seen quite a few kids playing with their desert tortoises in their driveways. Cliven Bundy, the last cattle rancher in Clark County, tells me when the Kern River pipeline people came through and did a federally mandated tortoise population density study as part of their required Environmental Impact Statement, they found several times more tortoises per acre on the lands where the Bundys have water tanks for their cattle than they found in the hot, dry desert — and literally 10 times the tortoise population density — the highest densities recorded — right here in the Las Vegas valley.<\/p>\n