Vin Suprynowicz

NOTE: This is a column about naughty words.

A local Las Vegas eatery called Paymon’s Cafe, specializing in Middle Eastern cuisine, serves its own version of the popular peach-flavored concoction generally known as the Fuzzy Navel, but dubbing it the “Genie’s Navel” — a reference that may soar over the heads of younger diners.

From 1965 to 1970, Barbara Eden played the mischievous Arab imp freed from captivity by astronaut Larry Hagman in NBC’s situation comedy “I Dream of Jeannie.” But those were the days when the bathrooms in TV cleanser ads miraculously lacked toilets, when Jane Russell had to demonstrate the support features of the Cross-Your-Heart bra by pointing to the garment displayed on a mannequin instead of on her own “fuller figure” — when married sitcom couples couldn’t even occupy the same double bed.

So the censors ruled the waistline on Ms. Eden’s harem pants had to be high enough to prevent any viewer from ever seeing “Jeannie’s Navel.”

Forty years have passed. Though some may question whether it’s really made the world more genteel, such concerns seem quaint in an era when the car pulling up beside you at the red light may be thumping out a chain of rap lyrics that would once have made a sailor blush.

The Federal Communications Commission, however, seems determined to swim against this tide.

In 1978, the U.S. Supreme court agreed with the FCC that comedian George Carlin’s “seven dirty words” monologue, when broadcast on the radio at mid-afternoon, was indecent. But the 5-4 decision in FCC v. Pacifica was narrow. Afterward, the FCC adopted a distinction, describing “indecency” as words or pictures that focus on “sexual or excretory organs” and which “dwell on or repeat at length” the descriptions. That rule seemed to leave a loophole for the occasional vulgar word that slipped into a broadcast.

But the FCC backtracked on that accommodation with the realities of modern speech after it was flooded with complaints from grass-root groups after vulgarities showed up on two Hollywood awards shows.

“This is really, really fucking brilliant,” rock singer Bono exclaimed when accepting a Golden Globes Award for the Best Original Song in 2003 — live on NBC.

Upon receiving a Billboard Music Award for career achievement, Cher waded into the fray by arguing the honor proved her critics wrong. “So fuck ’em. I still have a job and they don’t,” she said on Fox TV.

(For the record, so far as is known, none of these viewers complained when Ms. Sarkisian, then aged 52, bless her, performed “If I Could Turn Back Time” while caressing the 16-inch guns of the Battleship Missouri, clad in a garment which has led some pundits to rephrase her hit lyric as “If I could turn back time, I would buy more clothes.”)

So, in March of 2004, a month after a public outcry over the brief exposure of Janet Jackson’s breast during the Super Bowl’s halftime show, the FCC commissioners adopted a near zero-tolerance policy for fleeting expletives. Their new rule said “any use of that word or a variation, in any context, inherently has a sexual connotation.”

Add the fact that Congress voted in 2006 to boost the maximum fine for each violation tenfold, to $325,000 — meaning a network can now be fined $32.5 million for its 10 owned stations — and we could soon be back in the days when the only way viewers knew characters were in an “opium den” was the symbolic presence of a beaded curtain and a Buddha, when the censors moved to stop Mae West from asking “Is that a pistol in your pocket”?

Broadcasters argue the rules on what is indecent remain confusing. When Bono drew complaints for his expression of delight for winning a Golden Globe award, the FCC’s staff initially concluded he had not violated the indecency standard because he used the F-word as an adjective, not to describe sexual “organs or activities.”

But the FCC commissioners, bowing to pressure from the Hookworm Belt, disagreed and said there is no such exemption.

Last year, Fox and the other networks sued to block the new policy, and an appeals court in New York put it on hold, ruling the FCC’s policy is arbitrary and vague — allowing, for example, profanity from soldiers on the D-Day beaches in “Saving Private Ryan,” since such language was intended not to shock or titillate, but instead to “convey the horrors of war.”

What?

The notion that hypothetical tender ears will be offended when they hear a word used with one intent, but not when they hear it used with a different intent, makes a debate over how many angels fit on the head of a pin seem sensible.

Increasingly, the audience turns to non-broadcast media where they can and do hear characters and celebrities talking pretty much as they do “in real life.” And this is at least one reason why.

It might be “nicer” if the audience preferred chamber music and readings from “Pollyanna.” But if the FCC and their complainants want to invest in a station broadcasting such stuff to see how they fare, they remain free to do so.

Meantime, in an era when the government has a few more serious crises to tend to — like, say, the dollar falling to equivalency with Monopoly money — the FCC might as well attempt to bail Lake Michigan with a teaspoon.

It’s time to broadcast the closing ceremonies of the FCC. Surely Cher and Bono would be willing to attend. Heck, maybe they could even cajole Dandy Don Meredith out of retirement, to sing them a song.